4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
