Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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