I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
