After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
