what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
