The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
