Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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