Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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