i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
so much tequila, so little girl.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
