my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
