the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
