Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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