i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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