yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
