Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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