I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
