i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize