Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Randomize
