I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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