Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
then he tried to convert me to islam
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
