My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
