im six kinds of drunk right now
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
