she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
