Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
