if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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