My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
