hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
