you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize