apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize