had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
