wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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