she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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