Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
