I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
