How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize