Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize