So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
