If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize