Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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