I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
