My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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