Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
