Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
