broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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