I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
