Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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