I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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