It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
