I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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