the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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