Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
