Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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