Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
