It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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