I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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