M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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