Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
