Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need a beard to bite.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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