Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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