so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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