Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
