i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
