My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
