I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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